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My little one will be turning one in just a few weeks’ time! It’s a huge milestone, and presents the perfect opportunity to reflect back on my early postpartum days when I didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing!
Feeling so out of my comfort zone was especially confronting for me as a Type-A perfectionist. Because no matter how many books you’ve read or courses you’ve taken, nothing quite prepares you for the drastic changes that come along with becoming a parent for the very first time. New moms often feel overwhelmed by all the demands that come along with motherhood (I know I did!). After all, figuring out how to provide for your new baby’s needs is just the tip of the iceberg. There are a million other things you need to navigate simultaneously, from working out your new identity in the world to navigating changes in your relationships, to getting ready emotionally to go back to work and figuring out how to balance your career and family.
Although these challenges can feel insurmountable at times, remember that millions of women before you have gone through this same initiation and that you CAN do it too!
As with everything you try out for the first time, you will inevitably fall, scrape your knees and make mistakes. And that’s totally ok! It’s all part of the learning process. Motherhood is tough enough, so don’t make it more difficult by being hard on yourself. Silence your inner critic and instead, treat yourself with compassion and kindness. Know that as long as you’re trying your best, you are doing good mama! Give yourself permission to not know what you’re doing (after all, how could you? It’s the first time you’re doing this!). Drop all expectations of what you think motherhood should look like. Instead of beating yourself up for not being able to meet unattainable ideals, allow for whatever arises and meet it with acceptance and curiosity instead of judgment and self-criticism. Remember that you are on your own unique journey of motherhood and that everyone has their own timeline and process. Don’t compare your motherhood journey to anyone else’s because it’s meant to be singular and unique!
In the same vein, remember to be yourself when you become a mother. There is no cookie-cutter mould of what a mother is supposed to resemble. While some women might decide to take a career break to raise their kids full-time, others might be itching to go back to the office as soon as possible. And while some women prefer to raise children on their own, others might feel they need the support of a live-in nanny from the very beginning. Whatever you decide to do, own your decision and wear it with pride! Don’t let other people’s opinions dictate the way you parent or make you second-guess yourself. Be authentic and honour your needs. Do what nourishes you first and foremost, because happy mothers raise happy children!
Becoming a new mother is a huge life transition that can shake the core of your being and force you to reconfigure all parts of your life- whether you’re ready to or not. In fact, this process has its own name: ‘matrescence’, coined in the 70s by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael. It can be likened to the awkwardness of adolescence. As you try to figure out your new identity postpartum, you’re likely to question everything from your job to your relationships to your wardrobe. And then there’s the inevitable postpartum makeover: the mom haircut. I certainly succumbed to this irresistible urge myself, trading in my trademark waist-length locks for a shoulder-length bob two months after I gave birth. Experts say major haircuts are not just about going short for convenience’s sake, but also a symbolic way to reclaim control over our lives and visibly accessorise a major life event (cue Britney Spears’ infamous hair shave!). Remember that your hormones and emotions are all over the place during pregnancy and postpartum and that you will try to cling onto some form of control to feel grounded. However, the more you resist change, the harder it will be. Instead, embrace the fact that with the birth of a new baby, a woman is equally reborn. It can feel like a snake shedding its skin- painful, but necessary. Stay open and curious as you evolve and start this brand new chapter of your life.
Let’s face it, motherhood is MESSY! Once upon a time, I used to lead an ultra-glamorous life as a fashion reporter in Paris attending major shows like Chanel and Dior. So when my husband and I visited Paris earlier this year, I couldn’t wait to take a walk down memory lane and revisit some of my favourite old haunts. As a naive new mama, I wore a stylish white dress to our lunch date, but on the cab ride over, my baby threw up all over me (she gets super carsick). I was in tears when we arrived, feeling so frumpy and missing the old version of myself. My sister-in-law laughed when I told her the story. “Welcome to motherhood,” she said. As an experienced mother of two, she told me never to wear white out and to always pack a fresh pair of clothes in my bag- one for my baby, and also one for me! After this episode, I realized that I needed to fully embrace motherhood. Rather than pine for how controlled and immaculate my life used to be, I decided to accept the messiness and chaos of motherhood with a smile. Remember that resistance causes suffering. The more you can lean in and fully enjoy the present moment, the more joy you will feel. These days, before I book a restaurant I always call in advance to make sure that they have high chairs and ample space for my little one to crawl around and play. I have put my list of swanky restaurants on the shelf for now. I know that I will revisit that list one day, but for now, it’s ok to invite in a new experience and honour the needs that I have as a mother.
Caring for a baby day and night is particularly difficult in the first year, especially as you are still recovering physically from birth and battling sleep deprivation, but once you get the hang of things, things will slowly fall back into place. Be patient and compassionate to yourself as you navigate the ups and downs of motherhood. Give yourself time to adjust to your new role without comparing your timeline to anyone else’s. Motherhood will certainly test you, but it will also make you stronger. For many women, it’s allowed them to reprioritize what’s actually important in their lives and become more empowered and authentic versions of themselves. As they say, “the days are long, but the years are short.” Everything in life is temporary. Enjoy the newborn days to the fullest, because pretty soon your baby will grow into a toddler!
Remember, always ask for help! They say it takes a village to raise a child, but my belief is that it takes a village to raise a mother as well. Call upon parents and friends (especially those who are mothers already) to give yourself all the support you need. Join a mother’s group. They are super helpful in the early postpartum days because they remind you that as isolated as you might feel at times, motherhood is also a collective experience that’s meant to be shared. If you can afford to have someone clean the house for an hour or two to relieve yourself of tidying up, do it. Release any guilt around getting a nanny if it feels supportive to you. Don’t try to do it all yourself!
If you need additional support to navigate this time of transition, reach out to me, Frolic for Life’s Motherhood Coach. If you experience symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety, seek help as soon as possible.
Leona Liu x