Don’t you just feel like giving up sometimes? Perhaps, leaving the relationship may seem like the best — and probably only — solution to the challenges you currently face. So you think, but is that really true?
Relationships can be quite overwhelming. Sometimes the mountain to climb can feel so high and emotionally draining that you doubt if the relationship is even worth saving. Maybe, or maybe not.
You see, every long-term relationship deserves your best shot, especially when it’s with someone you don’t want to lose. However, how do you know if your best shot isn’t too much unnecessary work? How do you know if it’s worth it at all?
When determining if your relationship is worth saving, the first question is, “how long have you been together?”
This is an important question because early into a relationship, emotions are still high, and you may feel incapable of living without the person. Experts call this state “limerence.”
But from 18 months to three years into a relationship, the momentum begins to stabilize, and things become much clearer. At this point, your senses become more sensitive to your partner’s inadequacies and the relationship as a whole.
You might consequently conclude that there’s something wrong with the relationship, but this is simply you entering a new phase of the relationship. The chances are that those inadequacies may have always been there from the start, but your emotions were too high then, and so you were ready to put them aside.
Next, ask yourself, how high are the stakes? Are these inadequacies or conflicts something you could both work on resolving or something you just can’t cope with for the rest of your life? If you break up, how many people are impacted? Do you have kids and a business together?
If your relationship is still pretty young, but you find too many red flags, it’s best to walk out before the stakes get very high. On the other hand, consider working on those issues if you’ve built something strong together over the years.
If you’re currently asking, “is my relationship worth saving?” consider how much love is still wrapped up in it. Love is the most powerful force on earth, one that compels the most hard-hearted of us to make compromises and sacrifices. If the fire is still present as a flint, it can be ignited. It’s also possible that one party will be willing to make amends for the other to keep what they cherish.
Have you talked to someone about your relationship issues? What was their response? Now think about it, might they have their own agenda that influenced the advice they offered?
You see, a friend who recently got divorced may tell you that all men/women are bad and that you should get separated, too. That may be their way of justifying their actions. Or maybe you have discussed with your parent, friend, or sibling who doesn’t like or overly likes your partner. Such emotions may cloud their judgment differently from a neutral party.
Alternatively, consider if there’s someone else who you’re now drawn toward affectionately, making your relationship looks duller than it once was.
When considering whether your relationship is still worth saving, ask yourself, “does divorce seem like the only way out?” If yes, then it probably is. But it also could be that you’re just a little bit extreme.
You see, it’s common to feel that once you’re divorced, you will no longer continually be disappointed, controlled, or neglected by the same person.
However, before walking down that path, talk to someone who currently has a long, healthy relationship. Try to find out what that person did to help them get where they are today. If they’re separated/divorced but still maintain a positive relationship with their ex, get insights into how you can apply such knowledge to yours.
While considering divorce, asks yourself if you’ve done all you possibly could.
Most people tend to look outwards, finding undesirable qualities in their partners but never stopping to reflect on what they themselves could do differently. It’s best to imbibe the mindset that the problem isn’t always outside. If you’ve always told your partner that they’re wrong and you’re right, stop a minute for some bias-free introspection.
We often try to change people, but that’s not always the easiest path. What if you could focus on the one person you could actually change — you? If you’ve always believed your partner to be the cause of your problems, try focusing on yourself for a while before considering divorce.
Remember that when you break up while still in love, you might be haunted by your heart for eternity. So you want to ensure you do all you possibly could so you won’t get to say later, “I wish I had done that differently.”
If you feel your relationship is cascading and nothing you do is working, it’s wise to get help from a Relationship Coach as soon as possible. A coach can help you navigate your thought process, see it from a different perspective and guide you into making the right decision for yourself. You can always ask for individual Relationship Coaching before jumping in as a couple if that’s preferred!